


Sanders Sides Angst

by mattiebluebird (ScarlettBond)



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Warnings will be in each individual chapter, obviously
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-28
Updated: 2019-09-28
Packaged: 2020-10-29 15:03:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20798564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScarlettBond/pseuds/mattiebluebird
Summary: A collection of angsty oneshots.





	1. Heartless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Logan's not heartless ...is he?

_ "Not all of us are _ heartless_!" _

Logan didn't know why the insult bothered him so much. It wasn't even accurate; if the fact that he was still breathing was any indication, he did, in fact, have a heart.

It wasn't the worst thing Roman had ever called him. Robot, nerd, emotionless, cold ...

_ Heartless _

Logan was used to it by now. His ability to keep a calm and logical demeanor often made him come off as ...

_ Heartless _

But it wasn't true. Logan had emotions. Logan felt _ things_; he cared for the others -or, at least, he cared for Thomas.

Couldn't the others see that? Wasn't it obvious? It wasn't logical, after all, for someone to devote their life to another if they didn't _ care _ for them.

_ Heartless _

But everyone said it -everyone thought it. Maybe it's what they wanted _ -needed- _ from him. To stay focused. To stay calm. To stay logical. To stay ...

_ Heartless _

Logan could be heartless.


	2. What Virgil Learned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil grew up on his own. Here's what he learned.

The sides were a very, very dysfunctional family. They were simultaneously children and parents, teachers and students, guides and guided. Their life was a mad race of learning things and then teaching those things to Thomas as quickly as possible.  
  
Virgil grew up more or less alone. He learned from his own mistakes.  
  
When Thomas was just learning how to walk, he fell a lot, as all toddlers do. Virgil learned to be more careful.  
  
When Thomas was five he jumped into the deep end of a pool and floundered for a moment or two before his brother pulled him out. Virgil learned to be more cautious around water.  
  
When Thomas was six he saw a dog get run over. Virgil learned to look both ways before crossing the road.  
  
When Thomas was seven he got his vaccine shots. Everyone said it wouldn't hurt. It did hurt. It hurt a_ lot_. Virgil learned that trusting adults was a gamble. It was around this time that he found a home with the Dark Sides.  
  
When Thomas was eight he got into a fight with his best friend. Patton wanted him to apologize. Thomas did, and his "friend" put him in a headlock and tackled him to the ground. Virgil learned that Patton wasn't always right.  
  
When Thomas was nine someone from his church dropped out of faith. It wasn't discussed around him, but kids hear more than adults tend to think, and he knew it was considered a bad thing. Virgil learned that he should probably stay Catholic.  
  
Thomas was ten when he heard the word gay for the first time. It was spoken like an insult. Virgil learned that being gay was a bad thing.  
  
By the time Thomas turned eleven Virgil was no longer with the Dark Sides. He learned it was better to stay alone.  
  
That lesson stuck with him a little longer than the rest.


	3. That Big Spiky Ball

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How Patton experiences heartbreak.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I just want to say that this is a HUGE ventfic for me. Patton's emotions and the metaphors he uses to describe them -as well as the coping mechanism he uses to deal with them- are all heavily based off of an emotional breakdown I had a while ago (don't worry, I'm fine now and all is well).
> 
> Warnings: Overwhelming negative emotions, self-harm (punching and scratching), self-hatred, negative thinking, spiralling.

It  _ hurt _ .

There was no other way to describe it. It was  _ pain _ . It was sadnessangerdisgustfear all rolled into a huge, spiky ball and shoved into his chest. Every heartbeat, every  _ thump-thump thump-thump _ jostled it and sent little pulses of emotions throughout him, down to the very tips of his toes. The ball pricked his lungs when he breathed too deeply and it  _ hurt _ .

He wanted it to stop hurting. He wanted it to  _ stop _ .

He wanted to curl up into a ball and sob and fade away until he was nothing,  _ nothing _ but a mist, a vapor, an inconsequential speck, a husk that couldn't feel, but the ball, the  _ ball _ wasn't letting him. The pulses of emotion it sent were lightning-quick, one after the other, never ending and persistent. They gathered against his skin, pressing against it, their power growing with each new pulse from that big spiky ball.

They wanted _out_ and he wanted them _out_ **_dear god how did he get them OUT-_**

He sobbed but it sounded like a scream and he punched his wall as hard as he could and it hurt but it was so dull and far away and it wasn't  _ enough _ , the other pain was still there, barely at bay and dear god this  _ hurts  _ ** _get it out why am I so weak get it out it's just a breakup stop crying GET IT OUT-_ **

He dug his nails into his arms but the pulses wouldn't let him stay still he needed to  _ MOVE _ he needed to  _ GET IT OUT _ but he didn't want to punch his walls because the others might hear so instead he punched himself right in his forearm.

Instead he punched himself, and he let the pulses out and now it hurt less and the punches grounded him.

But they came back, came back with every heartbeat, every breath, every tear, every pulse of that big spiky ball and they pressed against his skin begging to be let out and his mind was too loud for him to hear the cries of  _ this is wrong! Stop it! _

** _You're weak you're so weak stop crying the others would be ashamed Thomas would ashamed they'd all hate you stop it you're so weak-_ **

He punched himself again because he hated that voice and he hated that ball and he hated himself and  _ why wasn't it over please let it be over why won't these emotions  _ ** _stop please I don't wanna feel anymore why can't I be like Logan-_ **

And he sat there for hours, hitting himself and the things around him, until the ball grew smaller and the pulses grew weaker and the voice that was him but also wasn't grew quieter and he fell asleep.


	4. Boys Like Us

_Y_ou_ must be tired_

_Runnin' wild, tryna' chase your past_

_You'll run your mind out_

_When you find out_

_That your lungs can't last_

_You can't escape it_

_You must face it_

_This race can't be won_

_But still you always RUN-_

_-Blixemi, "And He Runs"_

* * *

_ **Roman** _

He met Logan in the early fall of his sophomore year of college.

Their relationship was ...difficult, right from the start. They were both proud and stubborn; a horrible combination, really, that lead to even more horrible arguments.

Their similarities tore them apart, but they also ultimately brought them together. Roman's love for theatre and Logan's passion for Shakespearean poetry; Roman's curiosity and Logan's thirst for knowledge; Roman's non-stop attitude and Logan's determination.

Even months later, he wouldn't be able to tell you exactly how or when the nerd managed to carve a place for himself in Roman's heart; just that he did.

And he stayed, for a while. A bit longer than a while, in fact.

Roman wonders how he didn't notice something: A change in behavior, an expression, anything that could've warned him of what was to come.

Anything that could've prepared him for the way Logan looked at him, face perfectly emotionless, as he told him it wasn't working out.

Anything that could've prepared him for the way his heart stopped, then stuttered, then finally picked up speed in an almost cruel imitation of falling in love.

Anything that could've prepared him for Logan leaving.

Anything that could've prepared him for his first heartbreak.

~

He met Patton in the early spring of his junior year of college.

It had been exactly three months, eleven days since he'd broken up with Logan, not that he was keeping count. That would be pathetic.

Four months, three days since Logan left, he saw that Logan's Facebook status had changed from single to taken, not that he'd been checking.

Four months, four days since Logan left, he asked Patton out.

Patton was so different. He wasn't witty retorts or biting sarcasm or studying at three am. He was kind words and soothing hugs and cuddles. He was a lot easier to love than Logan, didn't beat down every emotion like it was a weakness and fight every compliment like it was an insult.

Most importantly, Patton would never leave him.

He knew. He knew from Patton's first smile, his first laugh, his first hug -too wide too loud too damn tight to be anything but faked and desperate and scared.

Roman knew that deep down, Patton was just like him. Alone when he didn't want to be. He had been abandoned and he would not, could not let it happen again.

In the end, boys like them were always drawn together.

So Roman stayed and he tried, he really did. He threw everything he had into their relationship -his hope and heartbreak and passionate fury.

Everything but his love. Roman was a good actor, but he couldn't bear to fake that unless he was on a stage.

It lasted for a few months, right up until the day he saw Logan at the coffee shop with his new boyfriend -some emo kid with eyeshadow smudged beneath his storm gray eyes and the kind of smile that you knew without knowing was rare and that just made it all the more beautiful.

And he _ran_.

* * *

_W_e_ can't help it, this is just how we were taught to love_

_Oh, there's a name for boys like you_

_-Dodie Clark, "Boys Like You"_

* * *

_ **Patton** _

Roman was angry.

More than angry. He was absolutely furious, and he was heartbroken and shredded up inside with too many emotions to decipher. Patton knew the feeling all too well.

Patton sat and watched as the boy he loved paced back and forth in the kitchen.

They'd been drawn to each other like magnets from day one, and Roman had asked him out on day nine. At the time, Patton had been blown away -this smart, kind, passionate, loving, protective knight in shining armor wanted him, Patton Hart, the dumb boy everyone pitied and thought naive?

After a week or so, he discovered the truth. Roman was still heartbroken over his ex, was still in love with him to some degree. Patton knew he should let him go, knew that if he stayed he was just taking advantage, but-

He couldn't do it. No matter how much he tried, he just couldn't let go.

He was in love with Roman Prince, and worst of all, Roman knew it.

So now they were both desperately clinging to something that didn't exist, a relationship built on lies and loneliness, waiting for the other to let go but terrified of when it would happen.

But the way Roman was acting could only mean one thing.

Roman stopped pacing, finally turning to him, and the expression on his face was of such utter anguish that Patton could feel nothing but pity.

"I can't do this," he said.

Patton's stomach filled with dread.

It was strange, he thought. They both knew on some level that this moment was coming, had been coming for a long time now, yet …

The fight was explosive.

Roman left, nearly sprinting out the door, and Patton had the odd thought that he had always been, perhaps always would be running -he'd run away from his ex and into Patton's arms and ever since he'd been chasing his past, trying so hard to catch it.

And now he was running again.


End file.
